SIDE 1

MARCELLUS

Hey, Gregory!

HAROLD

Marcellus! Professor Hill’s the name now – Harold Hill.

(HAROLD shows MARCELLUS his suitcase and winks. MARCELLUS winks back.)

MARCELLUS

Whyn’t you let me know you was comin’?

HAROLD

I didn’t know I was myself. Besides how could I know you’d end up in a little tank town like this?

MARCELLUS

Too many close shaves the way you work. Besides I got me a nice comfortable girl – Ethel Toffelmier – boss’s niece.

HAROLD

Gone legitimate, huh? I knew you’d come to no good.

MARCELLUS

What’s the new pitch?

(HAROLD pantomimes conducting)

You’re not back in the band business! I heard you was in steam automobiles.

HAROLD

I was.


MARCELLUS

What happened?

HAROLD

Somebody actually invented one. Now give me the lowdown here, Marce. 

 

SIDE 2

HAROLD

Mrs. Paroo, do you realize you have the facial characteristics of a cornet virtuoso?

MRS. PAROO

I don’t know if I understand you entirely, Professor.

HAROLD

If your boy has the same firm chin and those splendid cheek muscles – By George! Not that he could ever by really great, you understand, but –

MRS. PAROO

Oh, is that so. And why not?

HAROLD

Well – you see all the really great cornet players were Irish –

MRS. PAROO

But Professor, we are Irish!

HAROLD

No! No! Really! That clinches it! Sign here, Mrs. Paroo. Your boy was born to play the cornet.

(HAROLD hands her a paper to sign, which she does. HAROLD smiles at WINTHROP who hides behind MRS. PAROO playing a bit of hide and seek.)

That will be seven dollars earnest money. Nothing more due until the first installment payable at opening of band practice.

(MRS. PAROO locates money from her person.)

Oh, thank you. And of course, I’ll need the boy’s measurements for his band uniform.

MRS. PAROO

His uniform!

HAROLD

Hello, son.

WINTHROP

(drawing an imaginary line down the outside of his leg)

Would it have – a – a – ?

HAROLD

A stripe? Certainly, my boy, a wide red stripe on each side.

(WINTHROP smiles really big, then suddenly runs off.)

MRS. PAROO

You’ll have to excuse Winthrop, Professor. We can’t get him to say three words a day even to us. So if you get him to play in the band it will be a miracle. Where are you from, Professor? 

 

SIDE 3

HAROLD

Gary, Indiana. In fact, Gary Conservatory was my alma mater. Gold Medal Class of ’05. Hello, Miss Paroo.

MARIAN

(entering the stage)

Mr. Hill. Do you burst in on everyone’s home like this?

MRS. PAROO

Marian!

MARIAN

We’re not interested.

MRS. PAROO

Professor, I do hope you’ll excuse Marian. She’s not really—

HAROLD

Please. I’m sure that at heart she’s as lovely as yourself. Good day to you, Mrs. Paroo.

(HAROLD exits.)

MRS. PAROO

Good day to you, Professor.

(After HAROLD exits, MRS. PAROO turns to MARIAN.)

Marian Paroo! Darlin’, don’t you ever think of your future? Gary Indiana Conservatory Class of ’05 – now darlin’—

MARIAN

Now mama, the fact that he claims his commodity is music does not impress me. Winthrop!

(WINTHROP enters.)

Please go to the library and ask Miss Grub to give you the book I set aside. It is the Indiana State Educational Journal 1890 – 1910.

WINTHROP

Do I hafta?

MARIAN

You won’t have to talk to anyone. I’ve written it all down.

(MARIAN hands him a note. WINTHROP exits. MARIAN turns to her mother.)

I have a feeling the Indiana Journal may help me poke some large holes in the Professor’s claims. 

 

SIDE 4

HAROLD

Hey, wait a minute here, son.

WINTHROP

I’m not your thon! Leave go me!

HAROLD

Not until I talk to you for a minute.

WINTHROP

You wouldn’t tell the truth anyway.

HAROLD

I would too.

WINTHROP

Can you lead a band?

HAROLD

 

No.

WINTHROP

Are you a big liar?

HAROLD

Yes.

WINTHROP

Are you a dirty rotten crook?

HAROLD

Yes.

(MARIAN enters.)

WINTHROP

I wish you’d never come to River Thity.