SIDE 1

CANDY HAMMERNOSE

This is “The Evening Action News” with Candy Hammernose... the nose for news. We take you live to Times Square where witnesses here say a zebra has been seen roaming the streets. Now it’s time for an eye witness interview.

(to the PASSERBY)

Ma’am, what did the zebra look like?

PASSERBY

Well, it had four legs, and it looked like it was...

(As the PASSERBY starts to speak, CANDY stops her. Someone is speaking to her through her earpiece.)

CANDY HAMMERNOSE

Wait a minute... this breaking news just in. We are now learning that three more animals have escaped from the Central Park Zoo. Officials say...

(CANDY HAMMERNOSE)

(listens again)

... a hippo, giraffe and a lion are currently on the loose. Is
this the end of civilization as we know it? Are animals now in control of the New York City subway system? Tune in at eleven for more on this Subway Zoomageddon.

CAMERAMAN

We’re clear. 

SIDE 2

GLORIA

I just mentioned Conneticut! I didn’t think he’d run away!

ALEX

I can’t read this thing. Which one of these trains goes to Connecticut?

MELMAN

You know, maybe we should go back to the zoo and let the people handle it.

GLORIA

Will you stop being such a yellow-bellied scaredypants? C’mon! Alex, let’s go!

MELMAN

Hey, I can’t help being yellow, you know. Unless it’s jaundice...

ALEX

Melman, if we tell the people that Marty’s escaped, they’ll be really mad and transfer him to another zoo for good. You don’t bite the hand that feeds you!

GLORIA

Mm-hm. I know that’s right.

ALEX

We gotta bring him back and stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life. I’m gonna ask for directions.

(ALEX approaches the NEWSPAPER MAN.)

Roar.

NEWSPAPER MAN

Aaagghhhh!

(The NEWSPAPER MAN screams and runs off.)

ALEX

What did I say?


GLORIA

I guess they don’t speak the language.

MELMAN

Tourists.

ALEX

I’ll speak slower.

(ALEX approaches the OLD LADY.)

Rooooo...aaaaaaarrrrr.

OLD LADY

Take that!

(The OLD LADY stomps on his foot and hits him in the rear with her purse. Just then the PENGUINS enter, sneaking across the stage.)

ALEX

Ow! Ow! Lady, would you please, ow!

OLD LADY

You’re a bad kitty! Bad kitty!

ALEX

Argh! Lady, what is wrong with you?

OLD LADY

You’re a bad kitty! Bad kitty!