SIDE 1

BISHOP

People of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union of our new King and Queen-

FIONA

Um... Excuse me... Could we just skip to the  I do s?

BISHOP

Right, well then. Uh, do you, Lord Farquaad, take Princess Fiona?

FARQUAAD

I do.

BISHOP

And do you, Princess Fio-

FIONA

I do.

SHREK

Stop the wedding!

(FIONA reacts in shock and hope. SHREK comes down the aisle, joined by the FAIRY TALE CREATURES.)

FIONA

Shrek...?

FARQUAAD

Really?! Showing up uninvited with your freaky friends? Ewww!

SHREK

Fiona  I need to talk to you.

FIONA

Oh, now you want to talk? Well it s a little late for that. So if you ll excuse me-

SHREK

But you can t marry him!

FIONA

And why not?

SHREK

Because  because he s just marrying you so he can be King.

FARQUAAD

That is outrageous!! Fiona, don t listen to him!

SHREK

He s not your true love.

FARQUAAD

Guards, take this abomination out of my sight!

FIONA

No! Uhh... I mean... let s hear what the... monster has to say. It might be worth a laugh.

FARQUAAD

Oh, you are awful. You heard her, ogre. Express yourself... with as few grunts as possible.

SIDE 2

FARQUAAD

Boooooooooooooooooo!

(turns to FIONA)

Are we ready, darling?

FIONA

I can t.

(FIONA rushes off.)

PINOCCHIO

That s it! We ve taken your abuse for the last time, Farquaad!

BABY BEAR

Well no more!

WITCH

It ends today!

PIG #1

Power to zee piggies!

MAMA BEAR

We demand our homes back!

PINOCCHIO

And our rightful place in Duloc! Right guys?

FAIRY TALE CREATURES

(ad libbed)

This guy is a sham! He ll pay! Up with fairies! Power to the cookies! (etc.)

FARQUAAD

It ll be a dark day before I let you freaks ruin my wedding!

PINOCCHIO

Freaks, eh? Well, I guess it takes one to know one.

FARQUAAD

What?

PINOCCHIO

Be prepared to have your mind blown.

(PINOCCHIO gestures. The FAIRY TALE CREATURES part, and a very grumpy DWARF steps forward.)

DWARF

Hiiiiii-hoooooooh!

FARQUAAD

(reels a bit)

Daddy?

(The CROWD gasps.)

DWARF

I suppose my invitation was lost in the mail?

FARQUAAD

Well maybe if you hadn t abandoned me in the woods!

DWARF

Abandoned you? You were twenty-eight, and living in my basement!

PINOCCHIO

People of Duloc, your leader if a Halfling!

MAMA BEAR

Which is a lovely thing to be!

FARQUAAD

(tantrum)

I m a king! I m a big man! A big tall giant man with a kingdom!

Not-a-freak! Not-a-freak! I have a castle!

FIONA

(enters with a lantern, which illuminates her face)

Stop the wedding!

SIDE 3

FARQUAAD

Oh, it s you! What a terrific surprise! And lucky you, you re here at torture time! Bring in the cookie!

(Farquaad  s GUARDS bring GINGY onstage.)

GINGY

No! No! I won t speak! I won t! Oh, it s you...

FARQUAAD

 Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can t catch me  I m the Gingerbread Man!

GINGY

You re a monster!

FARQUAAD

I m not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash poisoning my perfect kingdom.

GINGY

It s not a kingdom! Because you re not a king!

FARQUAAD

Oh, but I will be. Just as soon as I find a princess to marry. And I hear you know of one. Tell me where she is!

GINGY

Bite me!

FARQUAAD

That s it! My patience has reached its end. Present the devices of torture!

Farquaad  s GUARDS pull out torture devices  a rolling pin, a giant spatula, an egg-beater, a carton of milk, etc...)

GINGY

Uh-uh, uhh, now wait a minute. Let s not go crazy. Maybe I have heard tell of a princess.

FARQUAAD

From who?

GINGY

Do you know the Muffin Man?

FARQUAAD

The Muffin Man?

GINGY

The Muffin Man.

FARQUAAD

Yes. I know the Muffin Man. Who lives on Drury Lane?

GINGY

Well, I heard it from the Muffin Man.

FARQUAAD

The Muffin Man?!

GINGY

The Muffin Man!

FARQUAAD

(thoughtful, to himself)

He heard it from the Muffin Man...

GINGY

Can I go now?

FARQUAAD

You haven t told me where she is!

GINGY

I can t!

FARQUAAD

You must!

GINGY

I won t!

FARQUAAD

Tell me or I ll- !

(FARQUAAD reaches for GINGY  s buttons.)

GINGY

No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!