SIDE 1

BISHOP

People of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union of our new King and Queen-

FIONA

Um... Excuse me... Could we just skip to the  I do s?

BISHOP

Right, well then. Uh, do you, Lord Farquaad, take Princess Fiona?

FARQUAAD

I do.

BISHOP

And do you, Princess Fio-

FIONA

I do.

SHREK

Stop the wedding!

(FIONA reacts in shock and hope. SHREK comes down the aisle, joined by the FAIRY TALE CREATURES.)

FIONA

Shrek...?

FARQUAAD

Really?! Showing up uninvited with your freaky friends? Ewww!

SHREK

Fiona  I need to talk to you.

FIONA

Oh, now you want to talk? Well it s a little late for that. So if you ll excuse me-

SHREK

But you can t marry him!

FIONA

And why not?

SHREK

Because  because he s just marrying you so he can be King.

FARQUAAD

That is outrageous!! Fiona, don t listen to him!

SHREK

He s not your true love.

FARQUAAD

Guards, take this abomination out of my sight!

FIONA

No! Uhh... I mean... let s hear what the... monster has to say. It might be worth a laugh.

FARQUAAD

Oh, you are awful. You heard her, ogre. Express yourself... with as few grunts as possible.

SIDE 2

FARQUAAD

Boooooooooooooooooo!

(turns to FIONA)

Are we ready, darling?

FIONA

I can t.

(FIONA rushes off.)

PINOCCHIO

That s it! We ve taken your abuse for the last time, Farquaad!

BABY BEAR

Well no more!

WITCH

It ends today!

PIG #1

Power to zee piggies!

MAMA BEAR

We demand our homes back!

PINOCCHIO

And our rightful place in Duloc! Right guys?

FAIRY TALE CREATURES

(ad libbed)

This guy is a sham! He ll pay! Up with fairies! Power to the cookies! (etc.)

FARQUAAD

It ll be a dark day before I let you freaks ruin my wedding!

PINOCCHIO

Freaks, eh? Well, I guess it takes one to know one.

FARQUAAD

What?

PINOCCHIO

Be prepared to have your mind blown.

(PINOCCHIO gestures. The FAIRY TALE CREATURES part, and a very grumpy DWARF steps forward.)

DWARF

Hiiiiii-hoooooooh!

FARQUAAD

(reels a bit)

Daddy?

(The CROWD gasps.)

DWARF

I suppose my invitation was lost in the mail?

FARQUAAD

Well maybe if you hadn t abandoned me in the woods!

DWARF

Abandoned you? You were twenty-eight, and living in my basement!

PINOCCHIO

People of Duloc, your leader if a Halfling!

MAMA BEAR

Which is a lovely thing to be!

FARQUAAD

(tantrum)

I m a king! I m a big man! A big tall giant man with a kingdom!

Not-a-freak! Not-a-freak! I have a castle!

FIONA

(enters with a lantern, which illuminates her face)

Stop the wedding!

SIDE 3

FIONA

(being shaken)

Uhl-uhl-uhl!

SHREK

Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA

I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

SHREK

Ah, that s nice. Now let s go.

FIONA

But wait, Sir Knight! I have long awaited this day! And I would st first like to knowest the name of my champion.

SHREK

Um... Shrek.

FIONA

Sir, Shrek...

(produces handkerchief)

I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

(SHREK regards the handkerchief, then wipes his neck with it, and hands it back to FIONA.)

SHREK

Thanks. All right, let s go.

(SHREK climbs down from the tower.)

FIONA

Now holdest on, Sir Knight. Don t you want to savor this moment? It be-eth our first meeting. It must be a wonderful and romantic scene.

(FIONA strikes a pose.)

SHREK

Aw geez, I m like a crackpot magnet.

(The DRAGON roars offstage.)

FIONA

You didn t slay the dragon?

SHREK

It s on my to-do list. Come on!

(FIONA climbs down from the tower. DONKEY runs across the stage.)

SHREK

Donkey!

DONKEY

Shrek!

(DRAGON enters chasing DONKEY.)

FIONA

Dragon!

ALL

Run!!