SIDE 1

(CENTIPEDE crosses into the scene. He s not feeling well. )

CENTIPEDE

Hey! Is anyone else feeling a little burpie in the intestines?

SPIDER

You probably ate too much peach.

CENTIPEDE

It s these waves, they re making me feel  oh, oh, no! Oh, no!

SPIDER

Are you alright?

(CENTIPEDE vomits off the back of the peach.)

CENTIPEDE

(wiping his mouth)

That s much better.

(spotting something in the ocean)

Look! Over there! It s a sea monster! It s a sea monster!

EARTHWORM

What is that? WHAT IS THAT?!

JAMES

They re sharks!

INSECTS

Sharks?!

JAMES

There are hundreds of them! And they re coming this way!

(The SHARKS ram the peach.)

ALL

Whoah!


EARTHWORM

What do they want? WHAT DO THEY WANT?

JAMES

I think they re eating the peach.

EARTHWORM

But, they ll sink the ship!

LADYBUG

We must do something!

CENTIPEDE

I m not feeling so well! Oh, no! Oh, oh, no!

(CENTIPEDE vomits again.
 The sound of thousands of seagulls swarming is heard.)

SPIDER

(peering overboard)

You must see this! There are thousands of seagulls eating Centipede s vomit!

CENTIPEDE

Shoo! Shoo! Stupid seagulls!

EARTHWORM

Seagulls!? I m terrified of seagulls!

JAMES

Hold on everyone! The sharks are coming back!

(The SHARKS ram into the peach, sending everyone flying.)

INSECTS, JAMES

Whoah!


LADYBUG

 

Is there nothing we can do?

JAMES

There is something

EARTHWORM

Tell us!

JAMES

If an aeroplane can take to the sky, why can t a peach?

CENTIPEDE

Because an aeroplane has engines and wings!

JAMES

And so do we.

LADYBUG

The seagulls!

JAMES

Exactly! They can be our engines and our wings!

CENTIPEDE

How s that gonna work?!

JAMES

Spider, is your web strong?

SPIDER

The strongest in the world.

JAMES

And can you make lots of it?

SPIDER

I can spin all the web you need!

JAMES

Perfect! We ll loop Spider s web around the seagulls necks, and then we ll tie the other end to the stem of the peach.

CENTIPEDE

And how are you going to get those seagulls down here?

 

JAMES

Bait!

(The INSECTS look pointedly at EARTHWORM.)

EARTHWORM

I find that term incredibly insensitive.

JAMES

But you are the biggest, juiciest earthworm in the entire world.

EARTHWORM

I am not about to be pecked to death by a flock of seagulls.

JAMES

I won t let them touch you, Earthworm. I promise.

EARTHWORM

Fine... I ll do it. For you, James.

JAMES

Thank you, Earthworm. Action stations everyone! We ve not a moment to lose!

CENTIPEDE

This is never gonna work!


 

 

SIDE 2

 

JAMES

(staring at LADAHLORD and afraid)

Who are you?


LADAHLORD

Unimportant ! Who. Are. You? James Henry Trotter

(LADAHLORD stands and begins to cross slowly towards JAMES.)

JAMES

If you come any closer, I ll scream for my aunts.

LADAHLORD

And what makes you think those two hideous creatures would come running to your rescue?

JAMES

They re my family.

LADAHLORD

Ha! Says who?

JAMES

That s what I ve been told.

LADAHLORD

Ah! But do YOU think so?

JAMES

I... ? I...

LADAHLORD

(passionately with enthusiasm)

And there it is ! The very first primordial ooze of an inkling that has the potential to lead to so many other fan-tas-ma-rific things! Ha! James! That bag, right over there, contains something remark-u-lous! Are you willing to reach into the great unknown and find out what s inside?

JAMES

I... I don t know.

LADAHLORD

Come on, James ! Only you have the power to change the course of your wretched little life. What s it gonna be? Victim? Or hero?

(JAMES looks at LADAHLORD and then at the bag. And then JAMES thrusts his hand deep inside the bag.)

LADAHLORD

(screaming at the top of his lungs)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

JAMES

(screaming in reaction)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

( JAMES removes a dusty old book from the bag.)

It s okay! It s okay! It s just a book! Why were you screaming?

LADAHLORD

To get your undivided attention.

(whispering)

What s inside the book, James?

JAMES

(reading)

It s full of recipes... with very strange ingredients.

LADAHLORD

Not recipes No! Potions, tonics, spells! Now, you must pick a spell from the book, devour the potion, and fabulous, unbelievable things will happen to you!

 

 

SIDE 3

 

LADYBUG

It feels quite wonderful to be free of that wretched hillside.

EARTHWORM

And Spiker and Sponge.

SPIDER

Did you know they killed my fiancé?

LADYBUG

No!


SPIDER

Yes! And then the gigantic one... she ate him.

LADYBUG

Horrible!

(CENTIPEDE snores loudly.)

EARTHWORM

(afraid)

What was that?! What WAS THAT?!

JAMES

It was just Centipede snoring.

CENTIPEDE

(waking)

What? What s going on? Why did the human say my name?

SPIDER

Tell them what happened to you, Centipede.

CENTIPEDE

Blah, who cares.

SPIDER

We re sharing!

CENTIPEDE

Fine! My family was in the sock and shoe racket. We re pretty famous in the bug world.  Til Spiker and Sponge sprayed everyone with insecticide in the great raid of fifty-nine.

LADYBUG

Those two monsters hated everything. Even ladybugs. Who doesn t like ladybugs?

GRASSHOPPER

I like ladybugs.

(Awkward silence as LADYBUG and GRASSHOPPER share coy glances.)

JAMES

(a realization)

Spiker and Sponge were horrible to everyone.

CENTIPEDE

Spiker and Sponge were no different than any of you humans.

GRASSHOPPER

Centipede, James is one of us.

CENTIPEDE

That is a human boy. His kind pulls off our legs, or burns us with magnifying glasses! He is NOT one of us! He will NEVER be one of us!

(CENTIPEDE climbs up to the crow s nest, alone.)

LADYBUG

Ignore him, James. His type are pests.

CENTIPEDE

(calling from the ladder)

And your type are snobs!

LADYBUG

James, you haven t said anything about your parents. Where are they?

GRASSHOPPER

They must be very worried about you.

(JAMES becomes silent, staring at the ground. SPIDER, LADYBUG and GRASSHOPPER sense something is very wrong.)

SPIDER

James, it s alright. You can tell us.

JAMES

My parents were in a horrible accident, and now they re... gone.

 

 

SIDE 4

 

MATRON NURSE

(entering)

James Henry Trotter! Get up! Get up at once!

JAMES

But why?

MATRON NURSE

(dry, cold and uncaring)

You re leaving the orphanage, effective immediately.

(The MATRON NURSE spits a loogie into her hand, rubs her hands together and then attempts to calm JAMES wild hair with her hands and fresh loogie gel.)

JAMES

But where am I to go?


MATRON NURSE

They ve found family to take you in.

JAMES

But, I don t have any family.

MATRON NURSE

You ve got two aunts. They live in Dover.

(The MATRON NURSE puts a tie around JAMES neck.)

JAMES

Dover? But, that s where I lived with my Mum and Dad

MATRON NURSE

(impatiently)

And now it s where you re gonna live with your aunties. Pack your things in  ere.

(The MATRON NURSE hands JAMES a small suitcase.)

JAMES

Yes, Mum.

(JAMES folds his father s glasses inside his mother s scarf carefully, and places them inside the suitcase.)

MATRON NURSE

(picking up the scarf and glasses)

That s all you ve got? No clothes? No toothbrush?

JAMES

(taking the glasses and scarf back)

These belonged to my parents and they are the most important things in the entire world to me.

MATRON NURSE

The most important thing from here on is your aunties. You do everything they ask of you. Don t talk back, or be a nuisance. You can t ever come back here James. You ve got a family to take care of you now.

JAMES

Yes, Mum.

MATRON NURSE

Come along. We re gonna have to  urry if we re gonna make the train to Dover.

 

SIDE 5

 

SPIKER

Nothin more to do now but count our money.

SPONGE

How many contracts do you think we signed?

SPIKER

Hundreds my dear. Maybe thousands. And them contracts pay us big time money in advance. All we ve gotta do is deliver that peach.

JAMES

Do you think we could move to the seashore? Or maybe take a trip?

(SPONGE and SPIKER look incredulously at JAMES.)

SPONGE

We ain t doin nothin .

JAMES

But, it was me that made the peach grow.

SPONGE

Liar.


JAMES

But, I did make the peach grow.

SPONGE

You couldn t make my toenails grow.

JAMES

But

SPIKER

(smiling broadly)

James, my dear, dear foolish boy. Raise your right hand and repeat after me: I, James whatever Trotter, am a worthless, lying little boy. And nobody will ever be interested in anything I have to say. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever, ever, ever.

SPONGE

So keep your comments and your clever little lies to yourself.

SPIKER

Hey Sponge, what do you think of my new scarf?

(SPIKER holds the scarf that was James mother s high in the air.)

SPONGE

It s not nearly as lovely as my new glasses!

(SPONGE holds James father s glasses high in the air.)

SPIKER

Oh, dear. Look what I ve done.

SPIKER holds up the scarf and then tears it in half.

JAMES

Stop, please don t.

(SPONGE snaps the glasses in half.)

SPONGE

Now, you listen to me, James. Lying little helper monkeys must be punished. So from now on, you will sleep outside.

 

SPIKER

And should you think of running away, just remember: you can run, you can hide, but we re the only family you ve got.