SIDE 1

MR. WORMWOOD

Everyone, gather round; I want my family to share in my triumph.

(to MATILDA)

Not you, boy.

MATILDA

I'm a girl!

(MATILDA hovers, uninvited.)

MR. WORMWOOD

One hundred and fifty-five old bangers on my hands. How could I possibly make the mileage go back? I couldn't very well drive each one backwards could I?

MICHAEL

Backwards.

MR. WORMWOOD

When suddenly I had the most genius idea in the world! I grabbed a drill and, using my incredible mind, I attached the drill to the speedometer of the first car, turned it on and whacked it into reverse.

MICHAEL

Back... wards.

MR. WORMWOOD

Exactly! Within a few minutes I had reduced the mileage to practically nothing.

MICHAEL

Backwards!

MR. WORMWOOD

Ten minutes later the Russians show up. Expensive suits, dark glasses-

MRS. WORMWOOD

Russians are nocturnal; I saw it on a program last night.

MATILDA

That was a program about badgers.

END

SIDE 2

MR. WORMWOOD

In business, son, a man's hair is his greatest asset. Good hair means a good brain.

(MR. WORMWOOD removes the towel, revealing his hair is now bright green.)

(MRS. WORMWOOD and MATILDA enter.)

MRS. WORMWOOD

Your... hair! It's... It's... green!

(MRS. WORMWOOD holds up a mirror.)

MR. WORMWOOD

My hair's green!

MRS. WORMWOOD

Why on earth did you do that?

MATILDA

Maybe you used some of mummy's peroxide by mistake?

MRS. WORMWOOD

That's exactly what you've done, you stupid man!

MR. WORMWOOD

My hair! My lovely hair?

(sudden thought)

I've got my deal today! The Russians... what am I going to do?

MATILDA

I know what you can do.

MR. WORMWOOD

What?

MATILDA

You could pretend you're an elf.

MR. WORMWOOD

What are you talking about you fool? The boy's a loony.

END