Script

Side 1

BARON

I vant that car. The one that defeated us in the Grand Prix. Three times!

BARONESS

But that was years ago-

BARON

I vant it, I vant it, I vant it!

BARONESS

Then you must have it my little teddy bear. Call the spies-

BARON

The spies!

(The BARON picks up a telephone. The spies BORIS and GORAN appear on the opposite side of the stage. A phone rings.)

BORIS

It's the phone!

BORIS, GORAN

The spy phone!

BORIS

(answering the phone)

Hello?

BARON

Hello, is this... you?

BORIS

This is us... is this... you?

BARON

Of course it's me, who else would it be?

BARONESS

Give me the phone.
(taking the phone)

Is this Boris, the spy?


BORIS

Yes, this is Boris the spy - I mean - what's the password?

BARONESS

The password is, I vill have you hung upside down by your pinkie toes unless you speak to me now.

BORIS

That works, how can I help you?

BARONESS

Boris darling, we vant the car.

BARON

(into the phone)

The one that wins the Grand Prix-

BORIS

But it crashed and burned; nobody knows what happened to it.

BARONESS

It's in England at a place called Coggins Garage. I vant that car brought to Vulgaria in time for the Baron's birthday celebration. Find it or else.

(The BARONESS slams the phone onto its cradle.)

BARON

You know vhat you are to me, don't you my darling?

BARONESS

Remind me.

Side 2

BARONESS

(answering the phone)

Vulgaria, top secret war room, how may I help you? Oh, it's Boris-

(The BARON takes the phone.)

BARON

Vhat's that you say? You've located the car's inventor?

BARONESS

Bring him to us!

BARON

(into the phone)

Bring him to us-

BARONESS

And the car?

BARON

(into the phone)

And the car? You say, the car is by the seaside?

BARONESS

We'll send a warship.

BARON

(into the phone accidentally)

My chu-chi face would send a big ol' warship all the way to England just to get me the best birthday present ever?

BARONESS

Chu-chi-woot-chi-oo-chi.

BARON, BARONESS

(ad-libs in baby talk)

Chu-chi-oo-chi-woot-chi-oo-chi-

BARON

(responding to BORIS, who is still on the phone)

Vhat? No! That's not code. Stay right there, we're sending a warship. Goodbye.