Side 1

JUNKMAN

Coggins, you got any scrap metal to sell?

COGGINS

Nah, business has been slow.

JUNKMAN

(indicating CHITTY)

What about that hunk of iron?

COGGINS

Don't be daft. That was once a great car. Won the Grand Prix three years running. Pride of England.

JUNKMAN

I'll give you fifteen bob for it.

COGGINS

Make it thirty, and you've got a deal.

JEMIMA

Mr. Coggins, you can't sell Chitty-

JUNKMAN

Course he can. I'll pick her up Wednesday.

JEREMY

But what are you going to do with her?

JUNKMAN

We're going to crush her up until she's one solid piece of metal. Then we're going to put her in a fiery furnace and melt her down till she's nothing but liquid iron. That's what we're going to do with her.

POTTS

Excuse me sir, you're scaring my children...

(CHITTY begins to shake in fear.)

And the car too.

JUNKMAN

I'll be back on Wednesday-

(exiting in disbelief)

scarin' the car... ?

 

 

Side 2

JEREMY, JEMIMA

Good evening, Grandpa!

GRANDPA

Attention!

(POTTS, JEREMY, and JEMIMA stand at attention.)

JEREMY, JEMIMA, POTTS

Attention!

GRANDPA

As you were. I got up this morning and I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got-

JEREMY, JEMIMA, POTTS

-into my pajamas I shall never know.

GRANDPA

You've heard it before.

POTTS

Absolutely not. First time.

GRANDPA

So my boy, how's the sweet-making machine coming along?

POTTS

Well, it's very nearly perfectly perfected.

(POTTS hands GRANDPA the candy with the holes in it.)

GRANDPA

Is it supposed to have all these holes in it?

POTTS

No, that's the imperfect part.

GRANDPA

Boiling point of the sugar's too high-

POTTS

So I've been told.


JEMIMA

Grandpa, Mr. Coggins is going to sell Chitty-

JEREMY

To the junkman.


JEMIMA

And he's going to melt her down for scrap.

GRANDPA

Melt the world famous Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Poppycock!

JEREMY

He said we could have it-

JEMIMA

For just thirty shillings!

GRANDPA

Thirty shillings is a lot of money.

POTTS

Why don't you kids run up and get ready for bed.

JEREMY, JEMIMA

Awww-

POTTS

Move along now-

GRANDPA

Good night, God Bless, don't let the bugs undress.

(JEREMY and JEMIMA exit.)

POTTS

Thirty shillings. How on earth am I supposed to find thirty shillings?

GRANDPA

I haven't the foggiest. Still they don't ask for much, do they?

POTTS

That's because they don't get much.

GRANDPA

Ah well. Nothing's impossible. Mark my words, one day one of these inventions of yours is going to work.

POTTS

You think so?


GRANDPA

Almost entirely certainly.

POTTS

Thanks Grandpa - and good night.

 

 

Side 3

TRULY

You are an inventor?

JEREMY

He made this candy only this morning-

(He hands TRULY a piece of candy shaped like a flute.)

TRULY

Is it supposed to have holes in it?

POTTS

No, you see the problem is-

TRULY

The boiling point of your sugar is too high-

POTTS

An expert on candy making are we?

TRULY

Your children really ought to be in school.

POTTS

Oh! An expert in child welfare as well. Give it a try-

TRULY

(indicating the motorcycle)

I was only trying to-

(TRULY kick-starts the motorcycle, and the engine putters.)

POTTS

Butterfly valve - told you so - have a good day, truly.

TRULY

(driving away)

I'm quite certain it was the choke pull spring - good day to you too, Mr. Crackpotts-

POTTS

It's Caractacus!

 

 

Side 4

POTTS

Excuse me?


MISS PHILLIPS

There are no vacancies. Goodbye.

POTTS

But, I've invented a sweet, so if you would please inform Lord Scrumptious-

MISS PHILLIPS

Appointments are scheduled on the third Monday of every month. You're welcome to schedule an appointment to schedule an appointment, but not until next Thursday when appointments for appointments are scheduled.

POTTS

How on earth does anything get done around here?

MISS PHILLIPS

By appointment.

 

 

Side 5

LORD SCRUMPTIOUS

Good morning, Truly.


TRULY

Daddy, this is Mr. Potts and he's invented something.

LORD SCRUMPTIOUS

I'm hoping it's not a sweet.

TRULY 


Daddy, please.


LORD SCRUMPTIOUS

Very well, you have exactly twenty seconds.

(LORD SCRUMPTIOUS removes a pocket watch and tracks the time.)

POTTS

Thank you. Well sir, the fundamental novelty of this particular brand of confectionery is its musical quality-

LORD SCRUMPTIOUS

Ten seconds-


POTTS

By placing one's fingers over the holes.

LORD SCRUMPTIOUS

Five-


POTTS

And blowing thusly-

LORD SCRUMPTIOUS

(before POTTS can blow into the candy)

Too late! Goodbye Mr. Potts.

TRULY

Daddy, listen. Go ahead, Mr. Potts.

 

 

Side 6

TOYMAKER

Sir, madam, I don't know who you are or what you're doing here, but take my advice and get out of Vulgaria.

POTTS

My father has been kidnapped by the Baron and Baroness. We came to get him out and that's what we're going to do. Please show us the way to the castle.

TOYMAKER

If I don't finish this toy for the Baron's birthday tomorrow he'll have me shot.

POTTS

All right, I'll go myself. Truly, you stay here with Jeremy and Jemima.

TOYMAKER

No, listen. There is a way, a secret way. It's past the hidden children.

TRULY

Children?

TOYMAKER

Those we have managed to hide. They're in the sewers under the castle.

POTTS

Take me there.

TOYMAKER

(to TRULY)

You'll be safe as long as you stay in my shop. The Child Catcher has been here already, he'll be looking elsewhere.

TRULY

Promise me you'll be careful.

 

 

Side 7

TOYMAKER

These are our children. The ones we've been able to hide.

(A few HIDDEN CHILDREN rush into the room with leftover food from a banquet in the castle.)

CHILDREN

Food! Food! Food!

TOYMAKER

They run up the drains and steal what food they can from the kitchens.

TOBY

Excuse me, Mr. Toymaker. Have you got any toys?

TOYMAKER

No toys this time, Toby. I've been too busy. It's the Baron's birthday. But listen, that means there'll be lots of leftovers.

MARTA

Someone's coming!

(The HIDDEN CHILDREN hide as TRULY enters.)

POTTS

Truly! What happened? Where are the children... ?

TRULY

They've been taken-

POTTS

What?!

TRULY

By that horrible creature, the Child Catcher. He tricked them-

POTTS

Where are they?


TOYMAKER

They'll be in the castle by now.

TRULY

What are we going to do?

POTTS

We're all going to break into the castle.

TOYMAKER

That's impossible, the children will be caught.

POTTS

Yes, totally impossible if we carry on like this.

 

 

Side 8

POTTS

Haircuts! Ladies and gentlemen, get a spiffing automatic haircut.

VIOLET

Come on Sid, you could do with a haircut.

SID

All right mate, do your worst.


(SID is wearing a bald cap with hair attached to it. POTTS places the haircutting machine on SID's head.) 


POTTS

Now just you relax sir, we'll have you done in a jiffy.

SID

It tickles.

VIOLET

Sidney, you're smoking!

SID

Turn it off! My head's on fire.

(POTTS removes the haircutting machine and the bald cap with the hair attached to it. SID is completely bald.) 


POTTS

Well sir, that's you cooked, I mean done, I mean finished.

VIOLET

Sid - you're bald as a baby's bum.

SID

I'm what? Come 'ere you -

POTTS

Sorry. I must dash -

 

 

Side 9

TURKEY FARMER

You there, Potts the inventor! Did you invent that hair-cutting machine?

POTTS

No.


TURKEY FARMER

That's a shame, because I want to buy it.

POTTS

I meant no in the sense of... yes.

TURKEY FARMER

What do you want for it?

POTTS

Thirty shillings.

TURKEY FARMER

Done.

(They shake hands.)

POTTS

I should warn you, it's still in the experimental stage.

TURKEY FARMER

I don't want it for cutting hair, I want it for plucking turkeys.

POTTS

Plucking turkeys?

TURKEY FARMER

Yes. I'm a turkey farmer. And with your machine I can pluck 'em and cook 'em all in one go. There you are, thirty shillings. And I call it a bargain.